So much has happened, and I regret not writing. I think it has affected not only my need to document this whole nightmarish time, but also my general outlook.
Everything is blah. Even things that used to make me wake up and smile are just blah blah blah. I have had zero motivation to do anything, everything is a push. Expressing this to a friend the other day, though, made me realize that I haven’t just stopped, only that it feels that way.
So what does that mean?
There is this fog, this stupid fog I can’t seem to see my way through. I keep telling myself that I have to for the sake of my family. My kids deserve someone to help give them energy. My husband deserves at the very least a clean house, food on the table when he comes home, and laundry done when he needs it. At the most, he deserves a beautiful wife who loves him, and whom he can’t wait to come home to.
It’s been a chore just to get out of bed, and all I want to do is sleep these days, because then I don’t have to feel so blah blah blah.
Let’s recap:
Politics are hell. I can’t even watch the news anymore.
My kids are switching schools because the admin has taken a biased political stance (which no school should do), they have forgotten about being a learning institution and are more focused on looking like they are taking more preventative measures against this virus than getting in-person teachers, and still feel like it’s okay to charge a college tuition. They are requiring bi-monthly testing, and I am sure requiring a vaccine is not far out.
My diet and exercise are lacking. I look like hell, and if I dress up at all and try to look presentable, it’s just lipstick on a pig.
Girl Scouts can’t do cookie booth sales, and my daughter who used to love selling seems to have lost some of her interest because she can’t be with her friends and the whole thing has become “boring”.
Everything is closed, really, and my kids have adopted the “bored with the park” stance. They spend most of their time in a virtual game called Roblox because that’s the only place where they can play with their friends.
Ugh.
Then I hear stories about other people, and I think about what so many others have to deal with, and I feel like my life really isn’t all that awful, complaining is stupid. I count myself incredibly lucky that my kids are disciplined enough to stay to task on their schoolwork without being constantly monitored. We haven’t been yet ”blessed” with anything more than one cold during this whole mess. My husband is still able to go to work, and while business may be down, it has not placed us in a precarious financial position.
So, what the hell.
I need to get off my ass mentally and physically and start to do something to get my head out of this ridiculous fog. I came across a bracelet of mine the other day. It says: Wake Up, Kick Ass, Repeat. Trying to get back into that mindframe.
She says. As she eats a homemade chocolate chip cookie (well, they had to be tried- my kid baked them and needed an honest critique, dammit).
I started a 5 Element Qigong Course, hoping that maybe Chinese medicine and some really intense twisting will wring this feeling out of me.
But actually, my husband took out the kids for the day, I got to write for the first time in ages, and I suddenly feel refreshed. Until I shower, and then I might just need a nap. Hell, there’s a lot to rest up for.
There’s tomorrow.
My Crazy Chicken Coop 